Saturday, 25 January 2014

Had a very angry dream last night.

I think I'm starting to get angry. And I think I'd rather get angry than depressed.
Though saying that, I have a feeling the anger is covering the true emotions in me. That's fine. I'd rather keep it that way. I don't like more melancholy emotions as they're less productive.

I've had a lot of people offering me their ear and telling me to talk to them if I need to, which I appreciate (really, I do), but right now I'd rather avoid doing that as I don't want to unseal what I can really feel. I'm actually doing fairly well without it being unsealed. I know it doesn't sound like I am, but again, I'm angry rather than depressed and anger, to me, is a better emotion to feel.

I could seek counselling, but right now, I actually feel like I'm channelling my old larp character Sadira and I'd rather keep the armour donned than reveal the weaker flesh below. I'm not in a mood to show a weaker state. I don't know what'll happen to my mental state if I do.
For those who don't know who Sadira is, as a Live Action Role Player, she was my previous character and, in my books, she was awesome. She went through a ridiculous amount of hell, lost family, lost friends, tried to be a big part of helping pull together a country that was lost. When she lost a large chunk of her family, she donned armour, got a 'symbolic scar on her face' (rigid collodion is terrific for that!) whilst helping the people of her land and refused healing to show those around her what she'd gone through.
She was quite dark to play but also a lot of fun. When she died, it really hit me not playing her any more as she was my escape from some scary stuff I was facing in the real world. Then I got hit by more stuff: lost my job, was diagnosed with kidney scarring....etc.

And now I can feel that little Sadira spark growing back. I've another character at larp now, who's a little more fun loving, more colourful and a little more ridiculous. She's a lot of fun to play, but I must confess there are days I really really miss Sadira. And mainly for the fact that I felt stronger due to the physical armour she wore. Not to say I feel weak now. But she helped.

In reality, changing my appearance to something more confident boosting these days is my armour. Having my hair cut last year helped. I'm booked for a trim this morning. Hopefully that'll perk my mood up a bit.

But right now I'm angry. And I'm trying to keep the anger on top of that which is hidden, so good ol' Frankie can keep shining through. That's how you know I'm ok. Because I keep still fighting back.

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