Monday, 1 September 2014
Some more rambling...
Maybe if I record my thoughts in enough places.............they won't be in my head any more....
[Note: I wrote this earlier this morning...then went out shopping, then re-read the draft and tidied it up....however, I think this is more a stream of consciousness to help me understand what's going on inside my head more than anything else. And might make an interesting read]
Update on the sitch
The test is happening on Tuesday. Then we won't find out for another couple of weeks (I think). These next two weeks are my busiest in regard to doing stuff. Including work. Probably for the best. Keep me busy...out of the house.
I find that I'm occasionally forgetting to take my medication again. It's not life threatening...I can risk missing a day (yes yes yes I know I know I shouldn't, but it really doesn't make a huge difference if I don't). Notice I didn't say 'a day or two'. I know two days'd be foolish.
However, sub-consciously I think I'm 'forgetting' to take them in a vein effort to try and stay normal until I under go the op and have to take half a pharmacy for the first 6 months, then just a little less, then a touch less after that....for the rest of my life.
[Christ...if all you need is a cup of OJ and some toast and not a hand full of meds just to start your day when you get up in the morning...take a moment to appreciate this].
Current head/physical state
I currently feel like I'm in a wind tunnel. I'm purposely not listening to music and don't have the tv on in the background like I normally do because I've got enough of a loud mess going on inside my head.
I think just once, this happened to me, then suddenly the noise in my head just stopped....and it actually scared me how quiet it actually was. I honestly thought I'd had the TV and radio plus some you tube thing happening on the internet. But no. It was just me and my thoughts.
I'm very aware that if someone were to try and speak to me right now, it won't actively go in [distraction].
[since writing this, I've had two relatively important calls.....that...were a challenge to undertake]
It's constant white noise...just with the odd decipherable word popping through. It's not the screen or white board in front of the eyes which I've mentioned before. It's....it's the fight or flight: It's awake, it's up....and it's loud.
How am I feeling physically? Ok so the above is mental. Physically, I've a touch of the shakes (barely noticeable, but it's there. I keep fumbling my writing and items I hold), the slurring may still be there...I'm not talking much so can't tell...and I feel nauseous. And finding myself sighing more due to not breathing as deeply as I should be (cue use for e-cig which helps me focus on my breathing). It's a sigh that makes me sound fed up, like I'm feeling extremely blue etc...but I'm not. It's more a case of my body going 'thoughtsthoughtsthoughts...oh shit, yeah ....oxygen'. Inhale.
I'm preparing to fight. Whether I actually do when the time comes is a different matter.
Stepping away and returning to a re-read of the above
Ok....ok that's interesting. After I wrote that sentence above, I felt like I could step away to come back and read this later.
Did that. And now my head is actually a touch quieter. I can hear the living room clock again.
It's as if confirming to myself that I'm preparing to fight, helped. Helped me understand my head.
Lol I now feel like Robert Downey Jr in 'Scanner Darkly' (Great film by the way).
In replacement to that, I can almost hear the cacophony of 'meditate/exercise/yoga' which is now passing through people's minds as they read this.
Unfortunately, when you're in a state like this it....well...have you ever stood in a particularly windy terrain with someone trying to shout something at you...into the wind so their voice is carried away? That. That's what everything turns into when you're in the above state. Again...wind tunnel effect.
You know people are giving you advice, you can hear it. It's just not registering or sinking in. You think 'oh yeah...really should do that...' then it's gone. And you forget again.
This blog demonstrates the idea that if you've too many thoughts overwhelming your head, get them out there. If you can't talk to someone, then write them down....video them.....get them out there one way or another.
Worried about them being discovered?.....bin/burn them. Tear them up. Just get those thoughts out of your head. Any way possible. Before they drown you.