Sunday, 28 September 2014

Just to clarify....

(NOTE: written yesterday - 27th Sept - posted today - 28th Sept - )

[This may be another one of those slightly unclear posts I tend to write when my head's feeling like a mare gone slightly wild and needs to be retamed. I'm working on getting it back under with me]

Ok, so after my last post about there being a high possibility of actually having my operation next year in Jan, I received a lot of 'yay!'s and 'congrats!", which is awesome and I'm loving the positive energy I'm getting from everyone *thumbs up*....


...I'm not out the other side quite yet. My donor has a teeny, tiny thing which needs to be checked before the path is clear and we can set a definite date.
That also means....there's still a chance we might be told 'it's not happening....'.

This is the reason I'm not going head over heels, crazy and celebrating.

What's happening next?
24th October sees her back in London for another, more detailed check up and a potential over night stay. Then...a week after...we get the results.
So just over a month....

...of more waiting.

Yes, I'm still in the same place I was 2 months ago, nothing's really changed....but....I'm starting to feel a little stretched.
I keep going through some bad moments, then bouncing back again and shouting 'yeah I'll be fiiiiine'. But the elastic rope on which I'm bouncing back and maintaining my strength, is a touch frayed.
When I went to see the doctor on Friday, my head was already feeling heavy and swamped by a tension headache: a headache no paracetamol or bath or anything can soothe. Basically, stress made physical....though...that said, a headache is a far more refreshing approach than waking up early in the morning, dealing with an hour's worth of nausea, then stumbling from bed and intermittently passing out then throwing up only to wind up in bed for the rest of the day as weak as a kitten. Which I haven't had in a really long time.
Silver lining and....all that.
See? I am getting better at dealing with stress *thumbs up?*

On going to the doctors office I was kind of hoping we'd get a touch more conclusive news than 'yep....can't...really confirm anything and daren't even consider possibly setting a date'.
On realising this, the words 'just...a little...further....' floated across my mind and I actually felt the weight and tension in my head and shoulders increase.
Even the doctor, bless him, could see the strain in my eyes and I could almost sense him thinking 'just a little can do this.'

So....the wolfhound is now wide awake and prowling. Hopefully, just for a couple of days and then it'll go back to sleep again. Usually does.

Basically, my anxiety attacks are back (heh did I ever really lose them?). I had one a couple of weeks ago, then another one just the other day.
I'm now painfully aware that I'm susceptible once again. Even as I write this, I can feel adrenaline coursing through me.
Unfortunately, I was in a good place recently, and it seems a shame that I've fallen, just a touch, on my bum so soon after that.
Fortunately, this has proven that they're temporary and just the odd phases. I can get round them. I just have to work through the bouts of susceptibility when I do hit them.

I'm still actively seeking counselling and next session, I'll be asking about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) as the part of my brain that repeatedly beats the other parts of my brain has woken up again. CBT doesn't solve the issue, but helps the patient deal with their thought process and teaches them to break the negative thinking cycle.
This morning, I actually found a painfully heavy irony in giving Tom advice I myself should have been taking. But the negative part of my brain had swamped my thoughts so heavily, I was struggling to actually enforce my own advice. Curious that I actively realised it was the advice I myself needed at the time though....

I know there are people who'll read this and go 'oh no....' on my behalf.
The best I can say is...

I'll get through this. I always do. I just need to....wait....that little bit longer. I just need people to continue being patient with me when I have one of my...odd moments (going quiet, becoming blunter than usual, glazing over, memory loss....distraction....seeming to panic and rub my hands more over the small things....the usual schabang).

Hopefully, what I'm currently going through is only temporary. I hit the odd set back now and then.
I'll get through this one....I always do....Yeah....

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