Wednesday, 10 September 2014

When realisation hits home

Went to see Lucy last night: a film about a woman who, due to circumstances out of her control, ends up progressively channelling larger portions of her brain than the average human. That's no's pretty much the focal point of the trailers.

Throughout the film, I felt myself getting progressively more emotional, at bits which didn't really call for any form of empathy. As the film progressed, it suddenly gave me a minor epiphany, a realisation about myself. Well...I say resulted in my dragging Tom to the side of the building at the end of the film, squeezing him for all I was worth, getting emotional and just opening up in a wave of crazy, which I hadn't done in a while as every time I'd tried....I'd taken the wrong approach and just turned sour on him instead. So I'd put myself on lock down.
I've currently got a mini nuclear device brewing inside me and he's the one most likely to get hit by it, so I lock down so that doesn't happen. Whenever I tried to open the door, I realised he'd just get hit by waves of it, so in the end I just stopped.
I stand in the nuclear hub, looking out at him....and the world....from within....behind the perspex glass. Mainly because I find every time I steadily approach the subject with others, my mind seems to go 'god, no one wants to hear this crap any more...give it a rest'. And I stop. Then even potentially leave the room out of frustration for myself.

Cos that's the only way to protect people right?....Right...?

And the epiphany?
At one point (without giving away spoilers) Lucy states that she is using such a high capacity of her brain, emotions are becoming rarer and she can no longer....feel.
There's another point where she....kind of engages...with herself (no, not on a kinky level. Take your mind out of the gutter!) and that's when it hit me. I realised I've shut everyone out to the point where I've even shut off from myself. To the point where I don't really know myself any more. I even (and this is the hardest bit to admit because I feel like I can no longer be there for people like I used to be...) still feel the external emotions that come at me in waves and the atmosphere in a room, but then I instinctively hold my hand out and start....slowly...pushing it away, fearing that if external emotions come anywhere near this nuclear device I'm standing in the way of, it'll overload and .....well *holds both hands up then releases them in mini 'pff' motion*.

This....this isn't even armour to protect the wound the way it used to be. Now it's more. I'm in a box. And I've done the lid up so tight, I can't even get myself out. I even struggle to in counselling. I try and express what's going through my head, but it just doesn't want to come forward.
Seeing the film...somehow...made me realise this. Honestly, I'm not even sure how. I think it was something to do with the protagonist's way of interacting with the world that seemed...unnervingly familiar. Minus the awesome levels of intellect and special additional shit she gets.
Now that, hell, if I had that on top of what's been going through my head, I'd almost welcome the closed off sensation. At least that way I'd benefit from it.

In all honesty, reading back over this after I wrote it last night and tidied it up this morning, I'm realising a lot of people are probably going 'well.....duh!'. But sometimes the answers aren't obvious to the person going through them. I've encountered that myself when talking to people. Sometimes, a swift nudge from an unexpected direction is what's needed. To hit that part of the brain conventional methods can't hit. And last night...that happened to me.
Which now makes me wonder how many people I've frustrated in their attempts to give me that exact message.

On that note:
Friends have been offering themselves up as vessels for my worries....asking me to talk to them if I need to. But honestly, when you're this far entrenched in a box, you can't find the right words any more....and find yourself repeating everything. And that itself can be.....draining.
Not that I'm not grateful. I will always be grateful for the offers. More than I could say. It's just...I don't know how to words any more.
Even in previous entries, I felt like I was missing something....and this is the closest I've got in a while. Well...that's how it feels to me anyway.
The rest of it is just blllaaahhhhh....noise.

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