So...hah...been hit by an epic catch 22.
Last weekend, I left London for a brief trip to just escape myself and broke...twice. I mean seriously. The second time, I broke to the extent that I first completely physically closed off to the person I was with, then had to force my jaw open past the anger and aggression I felt towards life, to be able to communicate my thoughts to them and initiate a line of dialogue. Neither of those worked in pushing them away so...my brain took another path and just....stopped. Turned off. This, however, actually seemed to give them a mental opening to get through to me and after a while, I slowly came back round to myself.
The whole process took about 4 hours. My intention had been to go out for a walk lasting a few minutes. Unfortunately, my mind had other plans.
I don't want to feel like that any more. It's too much.
So...on my return, I had a counselling session and repeated everything I'd gone through to her. She informed me that although I'd accepted that I was depressed, I hadn't accepted the level of depression, somehow repressing the severity of it and my counsellor strongly advised I skip CBT and go straight to a course of anti-depressants.
Now, I would be more than happy to do this, numbing the negative, self-destructive comments and the disorientating thick black cloud which rears its ugly head at the most inopportune moments. Not to mention that fact that I'm strained to the point where I'm now struggling to remember what it's like to feel strong any more. That mana potion of my life has run right out. I'm now working on sheer will power of those closest to me, basically holding me by the scruff of my shirt so I don't fall into the yawning abyss in front of me.
But...that's slowly becoming not quite enough any more.
Know the real kicker? Went to the GP today and was informed that anti-depressants can actually cause further damage to kidneys and aren't advised to be taken by renal patients.
My friends, have you ever seen me throw my head back and bray in laughter, only to follow it with rubbing my eyes and saying 'urgh, that was a laughter a hysteria and frustration more than anything else'
That. Any potential relief I could have to control the chemical strain in my head and stop that black cloud from descending any more may cause me further damage.
I honestly....honestly....feel like life is flipping me the bird.
The GP did find me something that might work, but suggested I contact my specialist to ensure it's actually ok. So now...just a touch more waiting. But the type I can handle.
Hah....so yeah...let's see what the next week brings.