Thursday, 28 August 2014
I haven't given this one a title because...didn't see the point really. I think the content is more important than what I label it.
Larp season is over, therefore my main source of distraction and release isn't available until next year so I'm now focusing my mind on work...
...and it just occurred to me that the next couple of weeks, or even next month, is crucial as I learn whether my donor can in fact under go the operation which could change my life (no pressure...).
Tension in my jaw and shoulders is back 3-fold, I'm back on the non-nicotine based e-cig as it gives me focus and helps moderate my breathing and I've found myself far more susceptible to zoning out...again.
The sense of clarity I had when I received the donor news has gone and the blanket I'd shrugged off is once again shrouding me.
My sense of distraction has increased, my concentration lowered and my memory is sporadic. I've found myself doing the 'thinking spin' far more frequently: that moment when you walk into a room to under take a simple task, let's say making a cup of tea. During the process, your brain notes you need a couple of items, and reach for one...doubt yourself and reach for the other. Within the space of 3 seconds, you can't work out which one would make sense to pick up first as your brain goes 'milk...no, spoon...no, milk...no, spoon' and you...quite literally...spin on the spot about 5 times until you realise what you're doing, stop....and force yourself to think properly.
I'm also listening to music on an almost constant basis now. Just so I don't....think. The rare times I don't listen to music is when I'm working or writing as that's just about enough to focus my thoughts into a linear process.
And random shots of headache which paracetamol and back rubs don't help.
My speech has also become slurred at times...I seem to develop a difficulty expressing myself and talking to others. This is worse when there's a high level of excitement and I'm trying to get my point across with a group of people who demand their voices be heard first. It's like being drunk without the high.
[in reference to the vlog: you'll probably notice now that my voice isn't quite as slurred...probably because I've a script before me and it's just me talking...so I've got time to think]
I have, however, noticed that I'm on slightly dangerous grounds: being naturally empathic, I can pick up on emotional readings just by walking into a room and it can make my brain explode. When I'm like THIS...it's worse. It's like my brain is trying to replace my own emotions by picking up on others, so I pick up on pretty much everything and anything without clear focus of where it's actually coming from and THAT can send me into override. Therefore...there's a danger I become isolated. I can't handle being around too many people, so I close myself off....and thus shut myself off from society, knowing if I pick up on too much negativity, words I immediately regret will come out of my face and damage can be done. Even if there's nothing malicious behind it at all.
I know there are a number of people who read my blog, heed my advice and look at things from a different perspective as per what I've described my situation to be like (I can't tell you how much I've appreciated those people writing to me and telling me this...it means a lot to know I'm making a difference through my experience).
So....how do I handle this and not isolate myself? ....there's no simple answer, I'm afraid. I just wing it. I cross each bridge as I come to it. I have to trust my gut instinct and if I was wrong...back away and try again another day. But that's how you learn.
Fortunately, when it comes to social events, I'm blessed with friends who understand my complicated head state and know when to joke, when to give me space and when to seriously check I'm ok.
Only once or twice in the past have I come across people who don't know me well enough and risked my unleashed wolfhound. Those moments have passed very swiftly...again...thanks to those friends who did understand me.
Ah...a bit of visualisation for you
I literally found this whilst waiting for the vlog to upload on YouTube.
This may have to be my new approach to any negative thoughts in the future..as long as I can maintain it.
This is a scene from The Watchmen...one of my all time favourite films. The guy with dialogue is Rorschach and it's the moment he's locked in prison for a reason which now evades me, but something that he's not to blame for...or something?
He is extremely bad ass, has been through the grinder, may seem like someone you'd cross the road to avoid but he'd probably throw a kitten out the window of a burning house if it meant saving its life. He's what I named my tattoo after.
Anyway! Positive thoughts:
- There's a couple of work things on the horizon
- I'm not depressed
- I can joke about the condition without losing hope
- I'm working off the renewed inner strength I was struggling to find last month