Thursday, 21 August 2014
Frankie - AFK (Away From Keyboard)
It's...been a while since I posted, mainly because I've actually been enjoying...being myself having overcome the depression I was hit with on and off last month. Mainly because I know, at some point in the future, there's a chance it'll hit again...
September is going to be a pretty huge month for us as my donor will be undergoing the physical tests to ensure she can under go the operation.
And I won't lie to you...I'm a little terrified.
I'm terrified if it's successful, I'm terrified if it's not.
I saw my counsellor yesterday and she highlighted to me the difference in my tone when I was talking about general, every day activities and the like then the latest health update...it couldn't be more obvious that I'm desperately pushing the latter onto the back burner until we've received more news. Recipient guilt is already kicking in.
I've got a larp event this weekend, from Friday to Monday....and I plan to forget everything taking place in the real world. I've no intention of reminding myself what's happening in a couple of weeks time, and I've no intention of getting emotional over the matter. And I plan on doing this by not discussing it. It's not more armour I'm putting on....it's more....indifference on the matter. Knowing it's there, but refusing to acknowledge it until I have to. Please don't mistake this for ingratitude. I'm extremely grateful that this opportunity has arisen and to the person in question. Seriously...It's why I was in such a bad state when I received the news...just utter shock that this opportunity presented itself to me.
I fully understand if the donor changes their mind because it's a difficult decision to make. But for now...to protect myself...ok maybe I am adding a touch more armour. But it's mainly a case of acknowledging it, but then putting those thoughts away.
If someone asks me about it, I may give a small smile, have a little...something...flash across my eyes which they may or may not notice, then move the subject onto something else.
This is a subject I...for now...want to forget about. The last event I was at, I was ridiculously melancholy (despite my laughter and messing around) for both in character and out of character reasons. Each reason felt as important as the other so it put me slightly out of sorts. I was even told by a good friend of mine at the end of the event that I hadn't seemed my usual self.
I'm sure reality will pop up every so often with a stick and beat a reminder into me that I'm unwell, through the usual leg ache, physical discomfort, difficulty catching my breathe and the odd palpitation, cos...y'know...fuck being able to do what you want when you're body's got a limit on it. But for now....
Enough. I want to enjoy myself. I may feel a touch melancholy due to in character reasons, but I refuse to be made to feel crap due to out of character reasons. I intend on having fun. And hopefully THIS time I won't be mildly crippled by neck and skull ache. Epic headache!
Then September can come around and slap me with the reality stick as much as it wants.
What I will say is the weeks around the test and the results we'll be seeing friends and lots of the family which I'm really grateful for as that'll almost enforce the feeling of support I have around me.
But for now...I just want to allow myself the luxury of running away....from me.
My counsellor forced me to accept that despite removing my armour after the news, that's what I was now doing....and this weekend, I wholeheartedly welcome it.