Monday, 9 December 2013

Looking through the fish bowl

Today I seem to be going through one of my odd, feeling-out-of-worldly head experiences. 
From social points of view, this is most obvious when, having previously flitted from group to group and moving around the area we're currently situated without any concern, I suddenly become somewhat clingy to Tom.
I do this as it brings me back to myself, especially as he's learnt this as a sign and is able to react to it.
I don't know how I come across to anyone else, but in my head, I start misinterpreting situations, picking up on emotions more than normal and feeling a little overwhelmed. It's not anxiety as I'm not worried or's more a kind of mental displacement. 

In fact, I think I become more childlike. It's a very odd feeling to go from completely confident and secure about myself to suddenly becoming dependant. 
I feel spaced, easily distracted. I zone out of conversations with more ease.

When I go through these, I think to myself, 'is this just me? Is this normal?'
My kidney function is as low as 28% and although that's not in the danger zone, it's not far off and I wonder how much effect this has on my mental capability.
I've read that decreased kidney function can cause mental confusion, restlessness etc due to the amount of waste and toxins in the system.
Now, I know I'm an intelligent, perceptive woman and therefore wonder what changes will take place when my physical waste system is upgraded.
I keep getting an image of someone turning on my body's ventilator system and all this weird green murk being sucked towards it and vanishing, resulting with me jumping up and yelling 'I understand how the world works now!!'

I've also tuned into the fact for a while now I can't sit/lie still til I'm completely comfortable as I can become extremely aware of everything about me that isn't comfortable: that strand of hair, the cuff on my trousers is on my ankle, that tiny itch. That fact that the lining of that muscle isn't quite in line with the other. Sometimes, I'm lying on my bed and I have to move because I'm aware of the irregular angling of my torso to my legs. Sometimes, I have to put myself into an irregular angle because I'm aware of a tension in my muscles and that helps it dissipate.
The time when this is the biggest pain is: 1) one I'm on the sofa with Tom and I just can't for the life of me get comfy, but I don't want to disturb him. Sometimes, to work past this, I just need to sit up without anything touching me 2) when I'm sat next to someone. I'm very aware that I'm not completely comfortable, but don't want to keep fidgeting in case I bother the person or they think they're bothering me. I have little ways of working round this, but when I tune into it, dear god is it annoying. 
Sometimes I just resort to sitting on the floor. This awakens the 'yoga' part of my mind as I can stretch out when I need to, or not worry about the way a particular cushion is pushing against the small of my back.

Maybe it's not my kidneys....maybe I am just weird lol.

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