Earlier this evening, I posted up on a social networking site that I'd re-read the leaflet containing all the medical information regarding my impending operation and had become a touch depressed.
So I had a bath. Put my music on. Lay back....and let my thoughts flow.
No....really bad. I found my thoughts draining into a pit I've avoided for a while and my head had started wandering into territories I knew meant my mind was peeking into the box I tend to keep locked and chained and in the darkest recess of my head.
Nope!! As soon as I realised what was happening, I almost heard the brakes on my mental drive screech to a halt and start going in reverse.
I put some dynamic music on and suddenly found myself picturing a battle, almost as though I were actively fighting my inner demons. I then stepped back into 'reality', imagined myself fist bumping my donor with the words 'let's do this' and walked towards the operating theatre with an image of all the people supporting me as shadow figures behind me, telling me they'd see me on the other side.
Curiously, I saw the characters who'd been there when Sadira went through her darker times, the companions who'd metaphorically held her hand, pulling her through.....doing the same for me but Frankie me.
I then went on a nostalgia trip, remembering what I'd done and achieved this year and it has to be said....I've done some pretty god damn awesome things. And when I get my health back....I can do more.
So here's a tip: when you find yourself driving towards the edge of that abyss, forcibly stop and remind yourself of what you've done in the last year. No matter how big or small (from combatting that work challenge to cooking that really lovely meal...or hell, even getting through the day without stabbing someone), it's an achievement and you should be proud.
I'd also like to say, since feeling crap to doing this blog, a massive thanks to those who've sent me messages. It's that which helps me imagine the supportive group behind me and moves me forward with my chin up.