Last night was the best night's sleep I've had in a month. I actually slept in past 9am this morning, which is novel. This may now be the reason for my sense of self-satisfaction today, but I think my recent discovery also plays a part.
Since the day of the anxiety attack, I've been plugged into my music. Even when I'm around people, I've always got at least one earphone in. When things get too much or I just need to turn off, I walk to a secluded area and turn the volume up. When I'm in a conversation, I turn it down. But still have it there, in the background.
This may sound rude, but it's actually helped. In two ways:
1) It acts as a form of focus. When I sub-consciously start tuning out my surroundings, despite needing full attention, I become more aware of the music I'm listening to at the time. On realising this, I can actively pull myself back. Kind of like rocking backwards on a chair then suddenly being more aware of gravity than you were before and that's what's about to pull you down.
What made me decide to put together a blog about this was a moment I had at set building the other day. I was tired and felt myself flag despite my earlier burst of energy (eg being up, about and conversational). So I sat in the car with my music and just stared out the window. After about 10 minutes, I suddenly realised that my mind was completely clear. I mean completely. This is an extremely novel sensation for me and I revelled in the fact that for at least a few moments; the neurosis and worry usually in the back of my head had gone faint. It was a very weird feeling.
2) It creates what I can only describe as a prosthetic emotion for me to focus on. As I'm now being forced into a level of vulnerability due to my counselling sessions and, in turn, my empathic levels are on overdrive, music helps control that by encouraging a set of emotions enforced by the music I've chosen.
As this new emotion is then based on something I've chosen, I can further manipulate my emotions to behave in accordance to the situation.
Basically, listening to music allows me to set my own emotions levels and in way, ground me.
Just as I'm writing this entry about using music and its effects, Tom's playlist, set on random, has begun to play 'Above you, Below Me' by Badly Drawn boy.....the music for our first wedding dance. Haven't heard it in at least over a year :)
SHOW WEEK PLUG
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