Monday, 23 June 2014

A touch of honesty

I started writing this note to myself and immediately thought 'nope...that's hiding. Not meant to do that any more, remember?

A very successful show week has come and gone and last night, I had an amazing night's sleep. Seems I was so tired, I didn't even notice Tom get up for work. Unfortunately, that does mean my body is now relaxing and going 'oh yeah, you've been really tense most this month...let's start loosening those muscles you didn't even realise you had tensed...'

Ooooooww. I feel like I've been working out. I have a feeling that last night, my head was combating a lot of stuff, resulting in a lot of physical tension whilst I slept.

In other news, I've another (potentially the last) compatibility test on 30 June. The last one because, due to my antibody level, I'm just wondering what's the point of constantly testing if we're just going to get the same results and disappointment after disappointment. We're going ahead with this test because they offered and never know.
After that, I think Tom receives the results from his physical via a doctor's consultation, letting us know if he can enter paired pooling with me. THEN we receive details of whether the compatibility test done on 30th was a success.
I am now very much between a rock and a hard place regarding all those results. Why?
Well, in the past, I've unconsciously kept myself in a state of constant tension whilst waiting for the results. It's inevitable. Ever been to an audition? Ever sat an exam which determined your future? Yeah...that. You're going to feel the stress.
And when I've received negative news, though I prepared myself in advance, my body lets go and converts any mental stress I've been ignoring into physical stress and I fall ill (eg fainting, throwing up, etc). I'm really not looking forward to that possibly hitting again.
Plus either result could have an interesting affect on me: if both results are negative, I'll feel like crap. The compatibility test...I'm now kind of getting used to that.The paired pooling; well this is something a little different and I've a tiny flame of hope within me. Also mainly because I think a part of my brain sees the paired pooling as my last hope and, although we'd probably have to, I can't can't can't face having to go through the task of finding individual people and asking them to be part of the paired pooling. You know my whole protecting people thing and hiding in my bubble? That'll be on overdrive. However, if one of the results is positive, system are go........that clunk? That was the sound of me pooing out bricks.
Therefore for the next couple of weeks, I could potentially under go a massive emotional roller coaster.
Yes! If I get the opportunity to get a kidney, it'll be amazing! What I/we've been working towards all this time.


Hopefully, the combination of acceptance, this blog and my counsellor will help see me through the worst so I don't fall ill....again...on receiving the results.

I'm now preparing myself to start displacing and having to force myself to face the facts. It's going to be difficult, but fortunately, my mind has become somewhat clearer the last few days and I've now thrown myself back into freelance work, looking for photographers to work with and the like. Just to keep me busy whilst my mind is in its state of acceptance. I hadn't realised I'd put that side of my life on the back burner until recently.
Yes, ok it's another form of escape, but I'm fully aware I'm doing it. So it's ok!

(Now who am I arguing with here; you, dear reader, or myself?)

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