Monday, 21 April 2014

A little acceptance

I have no issue talking about my kidney failure. There's no point in not. It's a part of my life and my low energy is a constant reminder anyway. Not talking about it won't make it go away, so I'm fine discussing it.
And I always thought this would be enough acceptance of my medical state.

Turns out it's not the right level of acceptance. During the last session, my counsellor gently forced me to accept that just because I talk about it, doesn't mean I'm accepting the full blow of the emotions festering within me because I'm ill. I refuse to acknowledge how angry it makes me and when I don't, other aspects of my life suffer the brunt.

Bruce Banner from the Hulk explaining how he keeps his transformation under control

On this realisation, I've now found I'm being kinder to myself, able to control negative emotions that threaten to take me over with a little more easy...mainly by letting them in. If I do that, they pop in for a visit, I try and understand why they're really there, then say goodbye in my own time (it's better than having them banging at my door, demanding entrance, whilst I sit against it thinking 'it'll go away soon').
Sometimes you have to allow and appreciate the pain you're putting yourself through due to a particular situation before you're able to physically...and mentally...get on with life.

This being the case, I discovered something about myself recently. A reason for a certain procrastination even I didn't understand.

Since getting back from larp about a week ago, I knew there was something I needed to do. There are a couple more donors I need to speak to and arrange things with. I kept thinking 'I need to contact them, need to message them, need to do this', yet finding myself distracted by other things or feeling too tired to even think about that.

Going round to my parents and having a chat with family and a friend who's like an uncle to me, it suddenly hit me: I'm too scared.
I can't handle being told for the 3rd time that another couple of people aren't compatible with me. Given the fact that each time I've been given the news, I've then fallen ill as my body is in a state of tension before I hear back, then I'm hit by the wave of negativity, I don't want to know any more. 
I've even started thinking about the idea of looking into adoption or surrogacy for a baby and just forget about the operation. I even mentioned this to Tom. His response was 'It's certain something we can consider, but you'll still feel tired and ill. I thought that was the reason we were doing this? Do you really want to look into those possibilities whilst still feeling unwell when we've got a chance to make you feel better? I don't. As my mantra goes: I'm tired of being tired. I realised later I just said that so Tom would remind me of why we're actually doing this. I was just using the other thing as a possible excuse.

I just can't handle hearing 'I'm afraid it's a no' again.

That being the case, Tom's taken over the task. This takes the pressure off me and helps him help me. He's able to approach it in a 'we need to help my wife' sense rather than my renewed reluctance and combined personal emotion preventing me from getting the job done.

My counsellor did mention something along the lines of 'plasma transfusion' (replacing the antibodies in my system so they're not quite so high, giving me a better chance), but she said she wasn't 100% sure about it and it contradicts something my specialist said so will need to check that at the next appointment.

No comments:

Post a Comment