Thursday, 3 October 2013

The beginning

The last 4 years have seen me undertake test after test and visit a variety of specialists and doctors, all due to the fact that over 4 years ago I kept 'feeling a bit tired' and getting headaches over the most ridiculous reasons.
(I actually feel like I've spent the majority of my life in a doctor's waiting rooms or having blood tests).

After 2 biopsy's, several blood tests and specialist after specialist, I was diagnosed as having kidney failure [] and put on a selection of medication for: my blood pressure, my Vitamin D deficiency (the kind the body produces itself) and a weekly, self-applied injection for anaemia. At the beginning, I'd been told the injection should become monthly. This is yet to happen.

The second biopsy revealed that the failure was due to scarring. This was a result of a combination of things: the headaches I suffered ignored paracetamol, so I resorted to Neurofen for relief, not realising that 1) my kidneys had an issue 2) Neurofen could increase their failure.
I later learnt the headaches were caused by high blood pressure. Part of the reason I had high blood pressure was my kidneys were failing, but kidney failure also increases blood pressure (one beautifully vicious circle).

My perspective of this situation: this whole time, I've been flowing down a river, pulled by its currents and heading directly for the waterfall.
My specialist saw me, and threw me a rope (high blood pressure tablets). However, due to how strong the currents were, he was unable to pull me out (kidney failure can't be reversed). He tied the rope to a sturdy rock and has been waiting for me to give the signal before going to find me a net to land on if the current becomes too strong (transplant). In the meantime, I have to hope the rope stays strong (keep taking medication).
However, deep down, I hoped that despite being stuck I could still go ahead and carry on as normal (would the rope support both myself and a baby?).

It's a terrifying image...but this is a terrifying situation/choice to make.

LATEST NEWS: The rope is fine....for now. It's possible 10 years time the currents will become too strong and a net will definitely be required. But the rope is ok for now.
However, if babies enter the picture, the rope won't manage and the currents win.

I went away and thought about it for a while.

When, for the time being, the current's pulling persistently at your legs, you're getting progressively more tired, slightly achy, and are just tired of being tired, then someone who can help whispers 'cut the rope...I'll catch you. You've a strong chance of landing in the net I've found you....'
What choice do you take?

On 27 September, I finally made the decision which will effect me for the rest of my life and agreed to have the transplant.

So, I thought I'd start a blog, which might give people an insight into the process.I know there are probably hundreds of these blogs out there...but this one's mine. It might also help me put things into prospective too.
I hadn't thought of the river/rope/net analogy until now....but it fits.

Am I scared? No...ok a little...but less than when I was waiting to make the choice. If anything, I'm really tired of feeling tired.


  1. You are a very beautiful person, in every way. You will come out of that river to enjoy a full and happy life. Keep your spirit up and swim ahead!
    I love you very much,

  2. I love your writing and your analogy. I'm keeping everything crossed for you and holding you in white light. I don't want to give you any platitudes because I can read the fear and knackeredness in your words. So one day you will be sitting on the side of the river kicking it about with your feet going 'nope - I don't have to get back in there, I can just smoosh the water about because now I control it instead of it controlling me'


  3. Sos muy querida, como bien sabes....Besos y cariño!