Week 2 on Fluoxetine and a link

VLOG AVAILABLE HERE

It's just over two weeks since I started taking Fluoxetine. And it's really kicking in.

After a pretty rough sleep last night, I realised I'd recorded a couple of vlogs since starting the course, but not written anything for the actual blog.

Mentally:

The black cloud that once took up residence in my brain has gone.
I still have the odd flash of negative thought and anxiety, but they're more of a flash than a prolonged sense of frustration. For one thing, I no longer have 4 hour long guilt trips.
Before starting the course, my common sense, logical thought process and strength was wrapped up tightly in a box in the back of my head with no escape from the malice and anger surrounding it.
My last counselling session revealed that since taking the course, everything's swapped.
The negative thoughts are still there and I still have the struggle going on inside, but I've located the strength I had before and am able to use logical thinking to over come difficult situations.
No longer do I feel like the happy avatar in my head is curled up in a dark alley, having the shit kicked out of it by my inner demons.

For one thing, I can meditate. The usual method for meditation is to ground yourself, breath carefully, then focus on emptying your mind. I had no issues with meditation in the past, then it got to the point where it was almost impossible to focus my mind due to the number of thoughts and distractions floating through my head.
And now? Not a problem. I can even visualise which was always an issue.
I can also stand in a room, take a moment to observe the four walls around me and feel like I'm in it rather than a floating entity outside my own head.
The best part is I've realised I'm actively noticing the colours of the trees changing from green to all the colours. Taking it in rather than just giving it a cursory glance.

Physically:

Ha! That's a whole different ball game.
First off, these past couple of weeks, I've been exhausted. Especially if I leave the house for the day. I've spent much of this time on the sofa, completely tuckered out, watching as much intellectually stimulating TV as I can find (here I'd like to thank Tom for arranging Netflix for us. Seriously...life saver). I've been pretty much next to useless due to my crap energy levels.

Despite this, however, I'm also buzzing. Every movement I make seems to be accompanied by slight physical vibrations, as if all the electrical charges and buzzing in my brain have leaked out and reformatted into my skin instead. It might not be obvious to those who see or listen to me, in fact in might just come across as nervous energy. But it's very obvious to me.

I attended a social gathering on Saturday, the first one since being depressed then starting the course of medication and after roughly 2 hours of being there, I actually had to force myself to lie on the sofa for a bit to try and calm myself. So it seems to increase with adrenaline. As the evening progressed, I was sat in a ball between Tom's legs to add 1) having someone close to me I could use as a focus point and 2) curled up in a ball so I could create some tension in me to try and subdue to the twitch and that only lasted so long til I had to get up and move around.

My morning insomnia has got a touch worse too.
For a while now, usually once or twice a week, I wake at 5am, try to get back to sleep, fail, go downstairs, curl up on the sofa with a blanket, put some mundane TV on, then pause it when I feel myself drift off. I then usually catch up on another 2 hours.
I tried the whole going to bed earlier to get better sleep, but that just resulted in my waking at 3am instead. So...I try and push myself, making my bed time as late as I can manage. Evenings are now putting something on TV, curling up on the sofa, then just zombifying my brain until I think 'right, that should do it' and slink off to bed.

Last night was the worst one I've had since starting this course. I could not stop vibrating.
I've found I'm usually able to focus the full body vibration into a single constant motion eg finger tapping or foot jiggling. But after a while that can get really annoying and a touch distracting. For others as well as myself. So, at one point, lying on the sofa, I raised my hand into the air, clenched my fist and focused the energy into that. Just focusing on holding my arm up seemed to help as I then realised I'd managed to zone into the last half of the program we were watching without noticing what my body was doing.

Then went to bed.
And had the most restless night ever. I could tell I was disturbing Tom too. I was clearly grinding my teeth, rolling around, and generally making a nuisance of myself.
I'm now honestly wondering if it's better if I sleep on the sofa until these symptoms pass. That might not give me the best night's sleep, but then, he's got to work in the morning. I don't. I can rest...he can't.

Otherwise....

the meds are doing their job. One of the symptoms people feel during the early stages of taking the drug is increased depression, and I can understand why. If you're not used to feeling like this, it's pretty horrible to deal with. However, all the side effects I'm going through are what I felt before, just magnified....so no major change really. I'm used to it.
I'll be seeing my GP in November to get a review and see if the dose needs to be adjusted and continuing with my counselling on a weekly basis.
What I've explained does sound unpleasant but when you've dealt with full on depression and anxiety the way I have, the strain and the fact that I knew I was losing strength...it's a very small price to pay to hold onto a peace of mind.

Donor's link

In other news, my donor has set up her own blog to describe her experience as a donor. 

Please do check it out as it's very interesting and well written and it fascinates me to see what the other side of this experience is going through!

http://kidneydonorjourney.tumblr.com/post/99761835380/the-beginning

Experience with Fluoxetine thus far

VLOG AVAILABLE HERE

[Important note and message below main post]

Okie dokie...I was planning on recording my progress on the new prescription on a day to day basis, then posting them up as a batch later, but as the results have been fairly immediate and good and I doubt that will change much over the next week or so, I decided to post an update now.

Although anti-depressants can take a couple of weeks to actually balance out in the patient's system, the pill itself will generally start working within half an hour or so of being taken. Therefore, I wanted to start the first day feeling refreshed and rested after a good night's sleep so I could try and establish any new symptoms against what I usually feel.
Naturally, of course, that didn't happen as I barely slept a wink. Things out of my control kept waking me up (Tom's cough, needing the loo etc) and when I did sleep, it wasn't very restful. This isn't uncommon for me.
Blah. So...I tried to keep as open a mind about the first day as possible. Whilst feeling pretty knackered.
Within half an hour of taking the pill, however, I noticed I started to feel fuzzy. Unfocused, difficulty concentrating. But on an amusing level. I felt slightly drunk. I think it's called 'brain fog'.
The rest of the day was spent feeling as though I were wearing a beanie hat (it's a tight fitting woollen hat that sits just above the ears) that was just a touch too tight. But it wasn't a bad sensation. Maybe I was expecting worse, so the initial reaction was amusement.
I didn't really trust myself to do much given my sudden epic lack of focus and concentration (which is apparently quite normal), so it was a good idea to have started at the weekend when Tom was at home with me.
Thing is, I'm very aware of a patient with new drugs suffering psychosomatic symptoms (reading about the symptoms then convincing yourself you're feeling them). However, given that I've spent most my life with something just a bit wrong with me or getting hit by different forms of illnesses, I've learnt to be able to differentiate between what I actually have and what I could scare myself into believing I'm going through. That's actually the reason I spent so long in denial about being in depression. I didn't want to go on a course of medication for feeling 'sad' and something that could easily be dealt with through talking therapy, which many cases of depression can turn out to be.
It's a line thin. And a risky one.
Although I'll have read the pamphlet, I tend to try and forget about them the symptoms then check the pamphlet if I'm feeling a bit different to normal. It's a difficult situation as so many drugs have SO many lists of side effects. You just have to trust yourself.

I'm now on day 3 of taking the tablets...and a little surprised that I can already feel the difference. Kind of expected it to take longer.
Admittedly, I'm extremely tired, I'm a touch out of focus, my head feels a little bit like it's in a vice (again, not pleasant, but it's not the negative vice I've faced in the past), my throat hurts and I'm...hah....yawning. Lots. However, that could also be down to fatigue as that's one of the main side effects of Fluoxetine, along with insomnia. So you're shattered, but can't sleep restfully. Bit of a vicious circle.
Honestly, however, this isn't really new for me as the depression and my illness both exhausted me and I was struggling to sleep. So...fatigue is just what I was feeling before...just with a couple more elements thrown in. A sore throat is also a sign of fatigue and I've literally had one since I started taking the pills, so now I'm watching this particular symptom as I'm seriously unsure whether it's an impending cold or the pills. So far no other cold symptoms, except for that.

One of the warnings on the pack is that the patient may encounter an increase in depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety for the first week (I know, right) which is why the leaflet actually asks the patient to let other people know what to look out for and expect and to keep an eye open for warning signs.
Now I'm wondering if this was reported because some patients struggled in dealing with the first batch of symptoms, which I can see being a little too much for people to live with if they then try and get on with the normal aspect of their lives (going to work, attending social events etc).
I think the only reason the increase of these symptoms haven't reared up for me is because I was hit by them so hard before I went on the drug, they couldn't get any worse.

Oh yeah, I'm also feeling cold. And I don't think it's just down to my Raynaulds or the weather turning really chilly.
Last night, it occurred to me that I was wearing the warmest pyjamas I own, a thick duvet, a thick bed cover on top of that and I could feel Tom's warmth radiating next to me....but I still felt internally chilly. And when I'm cocooned that well, I start radiating my own heat. I then recalled feeling cold/hot, is one of the symptoms.

My overall mood?
Ok, so that's the physical side of things. Is the drug actually performing and doing what it's meant to.
Yes. Or at least it seems to be.

I feel pretty good. Usually when I feel this good, I feel a hint of wariness in the back of my mind at the same time...but this time I don't.
It's possible it's because the drug has already kicked in and is offering me the balance I need and I just need the next couple of weeks to help me levels out the side effects.
But it's possible it's because I've been stuck in such a bad place for so long, the relief at having an escape is so strong it's producing my own chemical reaction which is coinciding with the drug and making it work more effectively and quicker.
Either way...I don't actually know, but am delighted this is the effect it's having.
I have a counselling session on Wednesday (my first after starting the course), so maybe that'll reveal some potential home truths?

Only bummer is, as well as the fatigue, sore throat and so on, my appetite's gone up, but I now feel nauseous after every couple of fork fulls so have to moderate my eating to ensure I actually eat, but that it's not an uncomfortable experience for me.
But quite frankly...given how I've been feeling up til now, I don't care. I'm thinking clearer than I have in a really really long time.

And it's like a breathe of fresh air.

The biggest test is when I go out into the world, into a situation that usually raises some form of negative reaction in me. That's when I'll know.

Additional note and advice 
If on reading this readers are tempted to go ahead and try a course of anti-depressants, I strongly recommend speaking to a counsellor first and checking if you don't just need to 1) have a couple of session of talking therapy 2) a course of CBT.
What I'm currently going through is a treatment to sort out the chemical imbalance in my brain. In the past, I was able to use logic to talk myself through moments of anxiety and depression. On occasion, I'd sit with a friend, talk something through, then throw off the dark mantle which had placed itself on my shoulders, give a grin, say 'I'll be fine' and mean it.
This is no longer the case. My problem turned from the metaphysical to the physical in a form of chemical disruption in my brain. Talking started to feel like I was just going round in circles. There was nothing I could do to solve the problems I was facing, there was nothing any one could say which would help dislodge the black shadow in my brain, despite my desperately wanting them to be able to.
That's when I realised, just talking wasn't enough any more.
Don't go on medication unless it's prescribed by a professional and you yourself are not certain in your heart of hearts it's the right thing to do.
Being on any course of medication itself can draining because you've got to remember to take it, if you don't, you might get hit by other side effects, and it's a constant daily reminder of what you're actually going through. You don't want to put yourself on that course unless you absolutely have to.
Trust me.

A prescription for relief

Unscripted VLOG available here

[The Vlog and blog differ as the vlog contains information the blog does not. It's also my natural reaction to what's happening rather than below which is more script based for those who don't/can't watch the videos]

My doctor and specialist team today proved exactly why they are made of all the awesome by getting back to me today with the update of whether or not I could in fact take a course of anti-depressants.

Turns out I can. 

I'm laughing. I'm actually feeling amazingly good today. I feel like I have an escape from the cloak of dark doom that perpetually lives inside my head, sapping any of the remaining strength I have inside me.

I have family, I have friends...all of whom have been there for me through thick and thin and have been pillars of strength for which I love them all.....but...there's only so much talking either they or myself can do to alleviate that which lives inside my head. What I've got going through my head is a physical, chemical reaction. And it needs to be tamed and controlled. And that opportunity is now available to me.

As of tomorrow (taking it in the morning with the rest of my medication to keep me in routine), I am on Fluoxetine at 20mg. Dosage may change based on what the doctor recommends. I'm seeing her in 3 weeks time to give the stuff enough time to filter through my system and actively kick in.

I'll also be seeing my counsellor on a weekly basis to help me through the first stages which actually adds to the relief that I won't be going through it by myself. 

The first couple of weeks I'm informed can be the hardest, but quite frankly, given the mental heavy I'm going through at the moment....it'll be interesting to see what difference it makes.

As the good patient I am, I read through the leaflet. I actually felt myself getting progressively more and more worried, until it dawned on me that....I'm already going through most the side-effects! No...really...I love the fact that one of the rarer symptoms is 'feeling detached from yourself'. 

That just described the basis for being me!

Actually no...my favourite side effect is 'yawning'. Best effect ever. Cos no one yawns any more.

And yes, I tend to go all jovial over side-effects as it reduces the fear factor they may carry. If I remind myself that I'm already living with them, then it's less likely to have me going 'ohgod was that an effect? Gah!'

So yeah. I'm relieved. 

Of course, I've got to actively take them and put this theory to the test, but...I still feel like I have an escape.

Happens too rarely.

I will record my experience as I go.

Should be interesting....or boring as hell....I'm just writing this. S'up to you to decide :).

Just one more way to get shafted

So...hah...been hit by an epic catch 22.

Last weekend, I left London for a brief trip to just escape myself and broke...twice. I mean seriously. The second time, I broke to the extent that I first completely physically closed off to the person I was with, then had to force my jaw open past the anger and aggression I felt towards life, to be able to communicate my thoughts to them and initiate a line of dialogue. Neither of those worked in pushing them away so...my brain took another path and just....stopped. Turned off. This, however, actually seemed to give them a mental opening to get through to me and after a while, I slowly came back round to myself.
The whole process took about 4 hours. My intention had been to go out for a walk lasting a few minutes. Unfortunately, my mind had other plans.

I don't want to feel like that any more. It's too much.
So...on my return, I had a counselling session and repeated everything I'd gone through to her. She informed me that although I'd accepted that I was depressed, I hadn't accepted the level of depression, somehow repressing the severity of it and my counsellor strongly advised I skip CBT and go straight to a course of anti-depressants.
Now, I would be more than happy to do this, numbing the negative, self-destructive comments and the disorientating thick black cloud which rears its ugly head at the most inopportune moments. Not to mention that fact that I'm strained to the point where I'm now struggling to remember what it's like to feel strong any more. That mana potion of my life has run right out. I'm now working on sheer will power of those closest to me, basically holding me by the scruff of my shirt so I don't fall into the yawning abyss in front of me.
But...that's slowly becoming not quite enough any more.
Know the real kicker? Went to the GP today and was informed that anti-depressants can actually cause further damage to kidneys and aren't advised to be taken by renal patients.

My friends, have you ever seen me throw my head back and bray in laughter, only to follow it with rubbing my eyes and saying 'urgh, that was a laughter a hysteria and frustration more than anything else'
That. Any potential relief I could have to control the chemical strain in my head and stop that black cloud from descending any more may cause me further damage.
I honestly....honestly....feel like life is flipping me the bird.

The GP did find me something that might work, but suggested I contact my specialist to ensure it's actually ok. So now...just a touch more waiting. But the type I can handle.

Hah....so yeah...let's see what the next week brings.

Just to clarify....

VLOG AVAILABLE HERE

(NOTE: written yesterday - 27th Sept - posted today - 28th Sept - )

[This may be another one of those slightly unclear posts I tend to write when my head's feeling like a mare gone slightly wild and needs to be retamed. I'm working on getting it back under control....so....bear with me]

Ok, so after my last post about there being a high possibility of actually having my operation next year in Jan, I received a lot of 'yay!'s and 'congrats!", which is awesome and I'm loving the positive energy I'm getting from everyone *thumbs up*....

....however....

...I'm not out the other side quite yet. My donor has a teeny, tiny thing which needs to be checked before the path is clear and we can set a definite date.
That also means....there's still a chance we might be told 'it's not happening....'.

This is the reason I'm not going head over heels, crazy and celebrating.

What's happening next?
24th October sees her back in London for another, more detailed check up and a potential over night stay. Then...a week after...we get the results.
So just over a month....

...of more waiting.

Yes, I'm still in the same place I was 2 months ago, nothing's really changed....but....I'm starting to feel a little stretched.
I keep going through some bad moments, then bouncing back again and shouting 'yeah I'll be fiiiiine'. But the elastic rope on which I'm bouncing back and maintaining my strength, is a touch frayed.
When I went to see the doctor on Friday, my head was already feeling heavy and swamped by a tension headache: a headache no paracetamol or bath or anything can soothe. Basically, stress made physical....though...that said, a headache is a far more refreshing approach than waking up early in the morning, dealing with an hour's worth of nausea, then stumbling from bed and intermittently passing out then throwing up only to wind up in bed for the rest of the day as weak as a kitten. Which I haven't had in a really long time.
Silver lining and....all that.
See? I am getting better at dealing with stress *thumbs up?*

On going to the doctors office I was kind of hoping we'd get a touch more conclusive news than 'yep....can't...really confirm anything and daren't even consider possibly setting a date'.
On realising this, the words 'just...a little...further....' floated across my mind and I actually felt the weight and tension in my head and shoulders increase.
Even the doctor, bless him, could see the strain in my eyes and I could almost sense him thinking 'just a little further...you can do this.'

So....the wolfhound is now wide awake and prowling. Hopefully, just for a couple of days and then it'll go back to sleep again. Usually does.

Basically, my anxiety attacks are back (heh did I ever really lose them?). I had one a couple of weeks ago, then another one just the other day.
I'm now painfully aware that I'm susceptible once again. Even as I write this, I can feel adrenaline coursing through me.
Unfortunately, I was in a good place recently, and it seems a shame that I've fallen, just a touch, on my bum so soon after that.
Fortunately, this has proven that they're temporary and just the odd phases. I can get round them. I just have to work through the bouts of susceptibility when I do hit them.

I'm still actively seeking counselling and next session, I'll be asking about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) as the part of my brain that repeatedly beats the other parts of my brain has woken up again. CBT doesn't solve the issue, but helps the patient deal with their thought process and teaches them to break the negative thinking cycle.
This morning, I actually found a painfully heavy irony in giving Tom advice I myself should have been taking. But the negative part of my brain had swamped my thoughts so heavily, I was struggling to actually enforce my own advice. Curious that I actively realised it was the advice I myself needed at the time though....

I know there are people who'll read this and go 'oh no....' on my behalf.
The best I can say is...

I'll get through this. I always do. I just need to....wait....that little bit longer. I just need people to continue being patient with me when I have one of my...odd moments (going quiet, becoming blunter than usual, glazing over, memory loss....distraction....seeming to panic and rub my hands more over the small things....the usual schabang).

Hopefully, what I'm currently going through is only temporary. I hit the odd set back now and then.
I'll get through this one....I always do....Yeah....

*Eyes peep out of box*

VLOG AVAILABLE HERE

Update
My donor (see...I still find myself wanting to say 'potential' donor...just in case) came to London on 17th September, to receive the results of the physical test: a test to ensure everything's working and up to par and that she can actually go ahead with surgery.
Turns out she's such a good match, the medical team actually had us listed as sisters. Mental!
I've an appointment with my specialist on Friday morning and things may get rolling from there. However, there's one more thing they need to check on her before we can fully celebrate and set things in motion. But if that's ok (fingers crossed mainly for her), then yes...we'll be going ahead. And the chances of that are looking good.

Mental state
I feel the way I used to feel roughly a year ago or so when I got up in the morning, went to work, saw mates and did stuff. I feel...what's the word....normal (hah, or as normal as a person like me can get)? And.....cautiously optimistic. Things are going pretty damned well so far and I'm fairly accustomed to getting bitch slapped by life around now-ish when I receive good news. So although I appear to be very slowly leaving the box my sub-conscious had pushed me into, I'm very aware that at any point, something could happen to force me back in. And this time, if I go straight back in, it'll be with force and it'll hurt.

I'm informed there's a possibility the operation could happen in December or January. I'm not touching December as surgery will be followed by 6 months (plus) of monitoring with hospital visits, tests after tests, things potentially going wrong....and...I don't really fancy that over the holiday period or want to risk being in hospital for Christmas or New Year.
And I don't want to put her through the same. I think that'd be a touch mean. Especially if we have a choice.
Plus....not only will that be a hell of a way to start 2015, but my birthday's in January...a nice birthday present for 31 year old me.

So I'm treading carefully. Very carefully. But for now...I almost...almost feel like my old self again.
After the last few months, I'm also slowly reintegrating myself into society after having isolated myself for my, and others, protection from my head state.

So yeah...I'm in a good place at the moment. I can still feel a leash on the back on my head, ready to pull me back when the shit hits the fan, but otherwise...I'm risking actually being a bit content. I've still got lots on my mind, but that's a given. That's just me.

I'm also aware that anxiety now has a place in my head and occasionally I can feel its threatening tug, but Tom and I had a conversation in the car this weekend and he confirmed that I'm no longer as bad as I used to be. They may still threaten (like one did a couple of weekends back when the most random moment set off a mini attack in my head and I had to briefly take myself away from company), but they're far more in my control and I'm still doing freelance work and leaving the house, which, as Tom pointed out, I was threatening not to do any more due to a growing agoraphobia.

That's the word....I feel....in control.

When realisation hits home

VLOG AVAILABLE HERE

And an additional explanation

Went to see Lucy last night: a film about a woman who, due to circumstances out of her control, ends up progressively channelling larger portions of her brain than the average human. That's no spoiler....it's pretty much the focal point of the trailers.

Throughout the film, I felt myself getting progressively more emotional, at bits which didn't really call for any form of empathy. As the film progressed, it suddenly gave me a minor epiphany, a realisation about myself. Well...I say minor...it resulted in my dragging Tom to the side of the building at the end of the film, squeezing him for all I was worth, getting emotional and just opening up in a wave of crazy, which I hadn't done in a while as every time I'd tried....I'd taken the wrong approach and just turned sour on him instead. So I'd put myself on lock down.
I've currently got a mini nuclear device brewing inside me and he's the one most likely to get hit by it, so I lock down so that doesn't happen. Whenever I tried to open the door, I realised he'd just get hit by waves of it, so in the end I just stopped.
I stand in the nuclear hub, looking out at him....and the world....from within....behind the perspex glass. Mainly because I find every time I steadily approach the subject with others, my mind seems to go 'god, no one wants to hear this crap any more...give it a rest'. And I stop. Then even potentially leave the room out of frustration for myself.

Cos that's the only way to protect people right?....Right...?

And the epiphany?
At one point (without giving away spoilers) Lucy states that she is using such a high capacity of her brain, emotions are becoming rarer and she can no longer....feel.
There's another point where she....kind of engages...with herself (no, not on a kinky level. Take your mind out of the gutter!) and that's when it hit me. I realised I've shut everyone out to the point where I've even shut off from myself. To the point where I don't really know myself any more. I even (and this is the hardest bit to admit because I feel like I can no longer be there for people like I used to be...) still feel the external emotions that come at me in waves and the atmosphere in a room, but then I instinctively hold my hand out and start....slowly...pushing it away, fearing that if external emotions come anywhere near this nuclear device I'm standing in the way of, it'll overload and .....well *holds both hands up then releases them in mini 'pff' motion*.

This....this protection...it isn't even armour to protect the wound the way it used to be. Now it's more. I'm in a box. And I've done the lid up so tight, I can't even get myself out. I even struggle to in counselling. I try and express what's going through my head, but it just doesn't want to come forward.
Seeing the film...somehow...made me realise this. Honestly, I'm not even sure how. I think it was something to do with the protagonist's way of interacting with the world that seemed...unnervingly familiar. Minus the awesome levels of intellect and special additional shit she gets.
Now that, hell, if I had that on top of what's been going through my head, I'd almost welcome the closed off sensation. At least that way I'd benefit from it.

In all honesty, reading back over this after I wrote it last night and tidied it up this morning, I'm realising a lot of people are probably going 'well.....duh!'. But sometimes the answers aren't obvious to the person going through them. I've encountered that myself when talking to people. Sometimes, a swift nudge from an unexpected direction is what's needed. To hit that part of the brain conventional methods can't hit. And last night...that happened to me.
Which now makes me wonder how many people I've frustrated in their attempts to give me that exact message.

On that note:
Friends have been offering themselves up as vessels for my worries....asking me to talk to them if I need to. But honestly, when you're this far entrenched in a box, you can't find the right words any more....and find yourself repeating everything. And that itself can be.....draining.
Not that I'm not grateful. I will always be grateful for the offers. More than I could say. It's just...I don't know how to words any more.
Even in previous entries, I felt like I was missing something....and this is the closest I've got in a while. Well...that's how it feels to me anyway.
The rest of it is just blllaaahhhhh....noise.